Punk Rock Book Club: Franz Nicolay's The Humorless Ladies of Border Control

In Franz Nicolay’s The Humorless Ladies of Border Control: Touring the Punk Underground from Belgrade to Ulaanbaatar he briefly describes what it’s like playing a show on tour. He spends about eight pages on it, describing a routine that takes place more or less the same everywhere, every time. Out of 350 plus pages. “I’m a mid-career musician who’s played thousands of shows,” he admits. “For me, they’re the least interesting part of the story.” And so he gives us the interesting part of the story, what it’s like being on the road, playing in places you’ve probably never heard of, or at least would have a hard time finding on a map. (He helpfully includes a map in the front material to help you out).

Taking place between May 2012 and July 2014, Nicolay takes us along on his tour of Eastern Europe, through the Balkans, Russia, and even into Mongolia. Some of it takes place with his wife, Maria (who herself is an ethnomusicologist focusing on Ukraine), some he undertakes solo. We hear all about train travel, as he takes the famed Trans-Siberian Railroad across Russia, and potholed highways throughout Eastern European countries like Hungary, Romania, or Bulgaria. Nicolay is our tour guide to these places, the people he meets there, and the countries’ histories. It’s like a wonderful sight-seeing tour, where you get the history of the people that influenced these places, all across the former Eastern Bloc. And yes, he does hit up some more tourist-centered places, such as large cathedrals or the oldest mosque in Europe; it’s not just squats in Slovenia.

Through Nicolay we get to experience the ‘nomad Olympics’ in Mongolia, backpacker stomping grounds on an island in Lake Baikal, all sorts of border crossings, a variety of cool and shady hosts, kids shooting crossbows at a hay-filled burlap sack with a print-out of Putin’s face, tons of fascinating dive bars, squats, or DIY spots, and hours stuck in snow-locked traffic in France (actually, sitting in traffic sounds familiar). Perhaps the most fascinating storyline is his return to Ukraine in 2014, after and during the massive government protests and conflict with Russia. Getting the perspective of so many locals during this tumultuous time is an incredible insight; he was in the country when the Malaysia Airlines flight was shot down by pro-Russian forces, though it stays in the west, nationalist, pro-Europe half of Ukraine. Honestly, the book would be worth it just for the nuanced take on this complicated situation alone.

As should be predicted from his lyrics, Nicolay is an incredible writer. The description and detail that he packs into every encounter paints a world full of life. He travels with the accounts of the Marquis de Custine (Russia) and Rebecca West (the Balkans), providing a historical depth to his experiences. The literary, musical, and cultural histories of the places he goes are woven into his tour. It’s almost enough to make you forget you’re reading a book about a touring punk traversing this corner of the world on a very DIY-style trip, and instead convince you you’re reading a thorough travel/history account. Seriously, if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like touring foreign countries or want a punk tinged history of Eastern Europe, you need to read The Humorless Ladies of Border Control. I can’t wait to see what corners of the punk world Nicolay takes us to next. He’s even buried a perfect title for the follow up in here: the sad old men of accordion repair.

If you’re in the mood for it, Nicolay reads the audiobook version.

Otherwise you can pick the book up directly from him, cause fuck Amazon.

Or see if you can pick it up from your local public library.